So far so good on today's boot camp. I've had a Nature Valley Granola Square (80 calories) and 1/2 cup plain cheerios (50 calories). I ran into trouble between my classes though. I have a few hours to kill, and today, I didn't have anything to fill that gap with. The result? Full out Panda Express binge. Even though it's much better to just not eat, I've always found getting rid of food to be very comforting. Throwing up feels good to me! Weird, I know. There's just something about knowing the exact way something is going to work. In every day life, you can go through the steps perfectly, and the outcome can still be something completely different than what you are expecting. Throwing up is different. I know that if I touch the back of my throat in a certain way, I will throw up. The outcome is never a surprise. I know that if I go too deep, it will hurt. I know that if I'm patient and be gentle with myself, I can get rid of everything in my stomach without coughing or making a single sound, and I know that if I don't get rid of the food in my stomach, I will gain weight.
This is what I love about Ana: control, predictability. There's no unforeseen events or outcomes that make no sense. It's all just cause and effect. Fast, you'll lose weight. Exercise, your waist will get smaller. Throw up, your throat will get a little sore and it lasts as a reminder that you are doing whatever it takes. It's all about learning you limits, then learning how to defy them.
I love Ana. Ana is forever. She is a part of who I am, and she brings comfort and stability to my life. Thanks for the guidance Ana <3 You make me better, stronger, smaller, and happier.
Stay smart,
Stay happy.
Stronger in <3 Ana <3
This is what I love about Ana: control, predictability. There's no unforeseen events or outcomes that make no sense. It's all just cause and effect. Fast, you'll lose weight. Exercise, your waist will get smaller. Throw up, your throat will get a little sore and it lasts as a reminder that you are doing whatever it takes. It's all about learning you limits, then learning how to defy them.
I love Ana. Ana is forever. She is a part of who I am, and she brings comfort and stability to my life. Thanks for the guidance Ana <3 You make me better, stronger, smaller, and happier.
Stay smart,
Stay happy.
Stronger in <3 Ana <3